Too Fat to Fish

By Artie Lange

Outrageous, uncooked, and painfully humorous real tales immediately from the lifetime of the actor, comic, and much-loved solid member of The Howard Stern Show—with a foreword through Howard Stern.

When Artie Lange joined the everlasting forged of The Howard Stern Show in 2001, it used to be in all likelihood the best factor ever to occur within the Stern universe, moment basically to the show’s flow to the wild, uncensored frontier of satellite tv for pc radio. Lange supplied what Stern had but to discover all within the comparable position: a wit fast sufficient to maintain speed along with his personal, a pathetic self-image to dwarf his personal, a private background either heartbreaking and hilarious, and an ingrained experience of self-sabotage that consistently retains issues attention-grabbing.

A typical storyteller with a bottomless pit of fabric, Lange grew up in a close-knit, working-class Italian relatives in Union, New Jersey, a maniacal Yankees fan who pursued the 2 issues his father acknowledged he used to be minimize out for—sports and comedy. Tragically, Artie Lange Sr. by no means observed the reality in that prediction: He turned a quadriplegic in an coincidence while Artie used to be eighteen and died quickly after. yet as with any trial in his lifestyles, from his drug dependancy to his weight problems to his fights along with his mom, Artie mines the humor, pathos, and humanity in those occasions and turns them into comedy classics.

True fanatics of the Stern Show will locate Artie gold in those pages: hilarious stories that couldn’t have occurred to somebody else. There are tales from his days using a Jersey cab, operating as a longshoreman in Port Newark, and navigating the darkish circuit of stand-up comedy. There are outrageous episodes from the frenzied heights of his coked-up days at MADtv, unusually relocating tales from his youth, and an account of his contemporary U.S.O. travel that's both stirring and irreverent. but in addition during this quantity are tales Artie’s by no means instructed earlier than, together with a few that he deemed too revealing for radio.

Wild, stunning, and drop-dead hilarious, Too fats to Fish is Artie Lange giving every little thing he’s received to provide. and prefer a real seasoned, the fellow by no means disappoints.

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Yet that wasn’t sufficient for those guys—they desired to win great. They positioned one over on him as soon as, so that they inspiration they have been the shit and commenced having a bet on that Wednesday-afternoon hockey online game a week, good into the spring, at any time when for more cash. quickly, like vintage shitheads they guess one-timer bets on another video game, yet on these Wednesday video games, they’d guess huge, immense fucking quantities. If they’d had any brains in any respect, they might have guess a gradual quantity on these Wednesday video games and the man by no means might have spotted.

Clerk did the practical factor and allowed me to enable it occur within the correct position. And finally, for the first time in what gave the impression of an eternity, I loved a few fucking aid. And that’s whilst i noticed that i used to be nonetheless retaining the invoice the man from the cab had given me. That’s additionally while i noticed that it was once a $20 whilst it may were a $50, which was once the price of the experience and not using a tip. in order that little joyride from hell had rate me $30, which got here out of my cash on the finish of the evening, in addition to no matter what tip i'd have hypothetically gotten.

Occasionally i feel he secretly has a 3rd arm someplace. T O O fats T O F I S H xiii � Foreword through Howard Stern a few of my men disregard to devour throughout the exhibit and so they get vulnerable and dead. This man regularly is familiar with the right way to remain on best of his video game. Like I stated, the guy is aware the way to velocity himself, and we're in basic terms into the first hour of the convey. No, it’s no longer distracting to seem over on the subsequent chair and notice Artie shoveling—I suggest, eating—his gasoline. It’s inspirational. xiv � Artie Lange Foreword by means of Howard Stern And he by no means we could the consuming get within the method of the convey.

The bar used to be continually crowded, however the proprietor couldn’t work out why he used to be slightly breaking even. a true whiz with numbers, that man. We’d additionally visit this activities bar and drink ourselves into oblivion. We’d do blow each time it was once round and I’d gamble with cash that I didn’t have. I did have the excellence, notwithstanding, of being the 1st one in all my pals to install a “100-timer” playing. The smallest wager a bookie takes is named a “time. ” that isn't to be T O O fats T O F I S H ninety one � Too fats to Fish harassed with a “dime,” that's of venture for 1,000 bucks—fifty dimes and fifty instances are very various things.

Yet in view that i used to be now excessive, i used to be additionally now paranoid that everybody on set may understand I’d run out to get coke. I additionally anxious that Jen might see that I’d poked a gap within the snout the scale of a straw. I saved attempting to examine the wear and tear within the replicate within the sunlight visor to ensure I didn’t have blow in all places my face. I bent the item each which method, yet for the fucking lifetime of me I couldn’t see less than the snout: at any time when I lifted my head excessive adequate, my sizeable pig cheeks blocked the view. T O O fats T O F I S H 143 � Pig in Shit My purely alternative was once to enter the eating place toilet to do my medicines as with ease as attainable.

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