Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up

By Dave Barry

The hot YORK occasions BESTSELLER
YOU cannot MAKE these things UP
Dave Barry would not lie--and listed below are the true lifestyles, laugh-out-loud tales from throughout the United States to turn out it: a U.S. excellent court docket justice stocks his treatment for fighting gasoline ("I had no longer discovered that this was once an issue of shock within the maximum degrees of government"); a newspaper headline in Ohio pronounces the combustibility of strawberry Pop-Tarts ("A tale that could relatively assist you achieve a greater figuring out of ways you'll be killed via breakfast snack food"); a daunting incontrovertible fact that snakes have mastered the pipelines best on to your toilet--and they don't seem to be shy ("Many ladies may view this as a good punishment for the entire billions of occasions that men have left the seat up").
Get up-close with Dave as he examines flying saucers thrillseekers and Elvis- worshippers, performs lead guitar with a frightening rock band that comes with Stephen King, and swears to inform the reality, the entire fact, and not anything however the truth...so God aid you!
--The Baltimore Sun
"HE ZAPS THE humorous BONE."
--The Cincinnati submit

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It used to be a dramatic second, similar to the person who happened within the New Mexico barren region approximately 50 years in the past, whilst the awestruck atomic scientists of the ny venture witnessed the big blast that erupted from their first crude experimental snack pastry. We unplugged the extension twine, extinguished the blaze, and decided that the toaster’s occupation as a qualified small equipment used to be over. It was once time to attract conclusions. the most obvious one comprises missile safety. As you're acutely aware, President Clinton has determined to chop long ago on celebrity Wars examine, in order that there'll be more cash on hand for urgent household wishes, reminiscent of growing jobs and preserving airport runways transparent for pressing presidential grooming.

Beginning in approximately 8th grade, my time used to be divided as follows: educational ambitions: 2 percentage. pimples: sixteen percentage. attempting to work out how one can Ask women Out: eighty two percentage. the main brilliant strategy to ask a woman out is to stroll without delay as much as her strolling and say, “So, you must exit? Or what? ” I by no means did this. I knew, as Eric Knott is aware, that there has been continually the chance that the lady might say no, thereby leaving me with out possible choice yet to depart Harold C. Crittenden Junior highschool eternally and pass into the woods and develop into a bark-eating hermit whose simply partners will be the light and figuring out wooded area creatures.

Conversing of undesirable song: This part additionally offers the result of my undesirable track Survey, which attracted extra mail than anything I’ve ever written. individuals are nonetheless writing to inform me how a lot they hate, for instance, “Running undergo. ” As you learn this part, please take into account that the survey is over, okay? We have already got our winners, so there's no have to write to me. simply learn the implications and get the undesirable songs caught inside of your mind so that you can quietly hum them again and again till you cross insane.

I wager that handsome woman on your English type would like to head out with you. yet you should make the 1st movement. So do just it! decide up that mobilephone! name Phil furnish. shoppers FROM MARS lately i used to be staring at television, and a advertisement got here on, and the announcer, in a tone of voice frequently reserved for significant advancements within the Persian Gulf, acknowledged: “Now shoppers can ask Angela Lansbury their questions on Bufferin! ” As a standard human, your typical response to this declaration is: “Huh? ” that means: “What does Angela Lansbury need to do with Bufferin?

Sharon Stone,” I responded. “I’ll enable it. ” bankruptcy SIX “And so, girls and gents of the jury,” I stated, “only ONE individual can have devoted this homicide, and that individual is …” The responsible social gathering abruptly jumped up, inflicting the court to almost spit out its chewing gum. “THAT’S correct! ” the to blame celebration shouted. “I DID IT, AND I’M blissful! ” It used to be Amy Fisher. READER ALERT apart from the column approximately zebra mussels clinging to the enormous brassiere, this subsequent part is set boating. I personal a motorboat, named Buster, who seems to be once or twice during this part.

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